Happy Father's Day Daddy!

In June of 1988, a week after my sophomore year of high school ended, I boarded a plane from my home in Southern California to join my parents and sister in our new home located in Roanoke, Virginia. It was something that at the time, I absolutely did not want to do. Two years prior, our family moved from Northern California to Southern California. I had begun to establish friendships in Southern California and knew the pain involved in moving because this was my third move since I was nine. My parents were kind enough to let me stay an extra week in the Los Angeles area with my friends, but the day finally did come when I had to leave. During the long flight eastward that day in June, I remember writing my thoughts down through tears: "Why do I have to start over again? Why do I have to say goodbye to people I care about? Why can't my home just stay my home?"

Very few flights go directly into Roanoke, and such was the case on that flight. My plane landed at Charlotte Douglas International Airport, where I was to find my connecting flight to Roanoke. I exited the plane nervously thinking about how to maneuver my way around the airport screens then to the correct gate. As I stepped into the Charlotte terminal and began looking around, guess who was standing there? My daddy. First came shock, then a smile, then the tears. Only a kind-hearted, completely in touch with his daughter kind of daddy would do something like this. My nerves were instantly shattered in my daddy's presence, and the last leg to my new home was a whole lot more pleasant because I shared it with him. 

When school started that year, I quickly became connected to a wonderful group of friends. The pain I had over moving dissipated, and my new life in Virginia began. My friends were involved in a local Baptist church, so because I was both spiritually inquisitive and wanting to hang out with them, I attended regularly. In May of 1989, after participating in a musical with the youth group, I walked up to the pastor, prayed, and became a Christian. For the next few years, that decision proved to be both the greatest blessing and the greatest curse of my life. I had peace and purpose beyond anything I had ever experienced. I knew deep within myself that I was right where I needed to be with my Creator. But unfortunately things were not so smooth at home. My parents' spiritual backgrounds were much different than the Baptist influence their daughter had just dove into.  My dad grew up in a Catholic family and community. He, however, had a bad taste in his mouth because he saw hypocrisy, hate, and control within the Church. In fact his mother, brother, and sister's priest commanded them not to go to my parents wedding back in 1963 because she was a Protestant - - that it was sinful for my dad to be marrying outside the Catholic Church. He often joked that he would never be caught dead in church on Palm Sunday because "all kinds of people go that week just to get the free palms." 

My parents saw my passion for this new Lord and church back in 1989, and I believe it frightened them. It definitely had to be culture shock coming from the North, to the West Coast, to the South. Up North, people are generally very private about their lives. Spiritual matters are not usually openly discussed. Out West, we found the people to be very nice but often very materialistic. I'm certain there are Christian communities everywhere, but nothing like what you will find down South. Here in Roanoke, there are eleven pages of churches in the phone book. Hundreds of churches! Among the first questions you are asked around here is, "where do you go to church?"

Now that I'm an adult and a parent, I can understand and empathize with the concerns my parents had regarding my new found faith. However for me, the spiritual transformation I experienced was not about the Southern culture, pastoral manipulation, or spiritual weirdness. It was always about my relationship with the One who created and loved me. God had entered my heart and changed me. He became the center of my life, and it was only natural for me to want to share the joy that was within me. I wanted nothing more than for my parents to know what I knew - - just the joy and the peace.  Cookie cutter Christianity is not my parents' way and that is okay. I'm sure that I didn't approach it the way I should have, but I was just a baby - both in physical age and spiritual age.  I just wanted my mom and dad to understand that Christ's perfection replaces our imperfection, and all He wants is our heart. This gift God gives us is so easy to accept because He gives it so freely. My mom and dad don't realize this, but I spent years praying for them. I prayed their hearts would be softened to God's love. However, there was prayer after prayer after prayer, and all I saw from my dad in particular was push back and arguments about how bad the church is.

But then about five years ago - - something happened. For most of his adult life, my dad's relationship with his brother Henry was strained. When we would visit Massachusetts and try to see him, we wouldn't get return phone calls. There was this silent tension between the two of them, and I never understood why. Dad had his theories about what caused it - - maybe Henry was upset that we moved away from the family? Maybe he was upset that Dad wasn't there when Nana was struggling in a nursing home? Maybe ? Maybe ?  Frankly, Dad was baffled. So one day, after Dad had done just about everything he possibly could think to do to get through to my uncle, I said "Daddy, why don't you write Uncle Hank a letter and just tell him that you're sorry. I know you aren't sure what you've done, but maybe you have done something. Saying you're sorry, asking for forgiveness from someone, is an extremely powerful thing." So Dad did just that. A few weeks letter, Dad received a letter back from his brother saying that my dad had done nothing, that he felt he had been a bad brother, was sorry, and hoped God would forgive him. 

That single correspondence between my dad and his brother Henry opened up their relationship into something so beautiful. Over the next few years, there were phone calls and visits and dinners out. When my uncle became sick and ultimately passed away a couple of years ago, my dad was the executor of his brother's estate. My uncle trusted my dad with everything, and my dad did an incredible job ensuring everything and everyone was taken care of.

What happened between my dad and his brother - - this incredible exchange of forgiveness and love - - changed my dad. All of a sudden dad was praying. Every day, my dad was going to church to pray. He developed written prayers for everyone in the family, and faithfully executed those prayers every single day. He still does! When he's here in Roanoke, he goes to St Andrews and prays. When I know I'm facing something difficult, I'll email him and ask him to pray that morning. He always does. We have seen incredible things happen in our family in the midst of the struggles, and I know in the depths of my gut that it is in large part due to my father's prayers.

What is most amazing to me is how during my own spiritual and relational struggles the past three years, my dad was stronger than me spiritually. More times than I can count he has told me to cling to my faith, to believe that God has a purpose, and to pray. I believe my prayers for my dad have been answered ten-fold. Not only does my Dad know the same exact Lord I know, he displays God's love to others better than almost every Christian I know.

On this Father's Day weekend, I want my father to know that I love him with all of my heart, am so incredibly grateful for everything he and Mum do for me, and am so proud to call him my daddy!

Courage

Having courage means taking action on something even when you are afraid. Courage is not the absence of fear. No, it is actually just the opposite. If we did not have some trepidation, we would not be displaying courage when we take the action to remedy the situation.

Courage is walking through that fear - - realizing that you could get eaten alive - - but not stopping. To stop is to be weak, and worse, to not obtain resolution. However, following through with what has to be done is what displays your courage. The key is to keep walking down that remedy road even if you trip over a few bumps along the way.

Put your sturdy shoes on, walk straight, and don't look back.

Colemans Recount Blessings of Chandler

In the winter of 1994, one year after losing their baby around twelve weeks in utero, Chad and Amie Coleman desperately wanted a family. At a church service one Wednesday evening, former Cave Spring Baptist Church pastor Chip Roberson and the deacons of Bethel Baptist Church in Chesapeake prayed with the Colemans. The next day, Amie Coleman received a positive pregnancy test result. Amazingly, the due date for this baby was the same as for Amie’s previous pregnancy. The child born to Chad and Amie Coleman on November 9, 1994 was Chandler Coleman.

Chad Coleman, Associate Pastor of Education at Cave Spring Baptist Church, describes Chandler, who passed away from brain injuries sustained in a dirt bike accident on Poor Mountain in November of 2010, as perfect. Sixteen year old Chandler Coleman was talented, smart, a well-respected leader among his peers, and an active Bible teacher for young children.

Chandler’s best friend Anna McKinney, who witnessed the tragic accident, says everyone liked Chandler. Anna shares that during Vacation Bible School at Cave Spring Baptist, “the little kids clung to him. They loved him so much. He could keep a long conversation going with a five year old about toys and kids shows, just as well as he could have a deep intellectual conversation with an adult.” Anna describes Chandler as one who loved laughter and having fun. Yet she especially adored his serious side. “To me,” she says, “he was just the best friend anyone could ask for. He set the example for how teenagers should be. He respected and really cared about people. We could talk about anything. I especially liked our ‘deep’ conversations about God and the Bible. He always knew what to say at the right time.”

As the Coleman family has grieved Chandler’s death the past fifteen months, what distinguishes them as a family who has not only survived, but thrived their way through such a tragedy, is perhaps their ability to keep their son and brother a part of the family. In addition to Chandler, the Coleman’s have a son Caleb (16), a son Corben (8), and a daughter Carlie (6). Amie says,“the kids talk about him daily. They want to see his videos. Every night at bedtime when we say our prayers, we include Chandler. Carlie will pray ‘I love Mom, Dad, Chandler, Caleb, and Corben.’”

Like Anna, Caleb Coleman was with Chandler during the accident. He speaks openly about his brother, describing him as respectfully quiet in public but fun and open at home or with friends. “Chandler would say things that sometimes didn't make sense or phrases that were uniquely his, but it didn't matter. It was hilarious and everyone embraced it! To this day, [my friend] Nick and I talk about one of the things he used to say….’sweetness gracious’. I don't know where it came from, it was just something he said and it has stuck with us.”

In addition to keeping Chandler’s memory alive each day as a family, Chad and Amie Coleman also did not want their marriage to be added to a statistic of failed marriages stemming from horrific circumstances. Their relationship has remained solid and strengthened as they’ve balanced each other out through their approaches to this grief process.

When Chandler first passed away, Amie created a blog entitled “In the Hands of God.” Written by “Amie, forever Chandler’s mom,” her purpose was to record everything she could about Chandler, the accident, and the days following it. “I didn’t want to forget anything, bad or good,” Amie says. She writes of her struggles of grief, anger, depression, and questioning – as well as triumphs of faith and memories of laughter, joy, and hope. For the past fifteen months, Amie has ministered to hundreds of friends, family, and strangers, by beautifully articulating her feelings, thoughts and memories. Her website is also an irreplaceable gift for Chandler’s siblings, extended family, and friends. Amie says, “once I got to writing, it was good. I would ball through a lot of it, but once it was out there, I was glad that I had it. And it felt good to even get it out of me, on the screen.”

More by personal make-up and not by choice, Chad describes his initial grief reactions as robotic and mechanical. He says, “I considered the facts. The fact is he’s gone. The fact is God is still good. The fact is I still have to go to work. It wasn’t until the one year mark approached that I started to come out of the mechanical. This way of doing things has run its course and here comes the crash.” Chad now may sit and stare at Chandler’s pictures and cry for hours on end. As that year mark came and passed, Chad found tremendous comfort in the strength Amie has already gained by working through many grief emotions.

Other than the direct impact sixteen year old Chandler had on his community and the people who loved him, the Colemans consider successful organ donation the greatest blessing of their son’s life. The family received word in January of 2011 that Chandler’s kidneys, liver, lungs, and heart were all successfully transplanted. Recipients included a fifty-seven year old father of five, a fifty-five year old mother of two, a thirty-one year old man, an eighteen year old student, and an eleven year old girl, who received Chandler’s heart. The Colemans have received letters from the recipients of Chandler’s liver and lungs, and all the organs Chandler donated are functioning well.

This summer Chad is returning to Southeastern Seminary in Wake Forest, North Carolina to obtain Master and Doctorate degrees in Christian school education. The Colemans ministerial journey as a family began in Wake Forest in 1999, when Chandler was entering Kindergarten. Leaving this area, the place where Chandler last lived, died and is buried, is going to be difficult for the Colemans. They struggle with thoughts of not being able to visit his burial place whenever they wish, but they also find comfort in knowing they are returning to the place where so many years were also spent with Chandler.

The most critical years Chandler Coleman had for impacting the lives of others were lived here in the Cave Spring community. He was respected by everyone who knew him. In fact, Amie Coleman describes her son almost identical to her husband, saying, “Chandler was the best first baby you could ever want. Every parent thinks their child is perfect, but he really was and he is.”

Amie still occasionally posts to “In the Hands of God.” Her website can be located at http://amie-coleman.blogspot.com/.

The article I wrote above was published in the April 20, 2012 edition of the Cave Spring Connection, property of Montgomery Publishing LLC. 

Live and Learn and Then Get ...

"Live and Learn and Then Get Luvs." It was a slogan the Luvs company used for a few years to market their disposable diapers. The corporate intention was to influence parents into believing Luvs were the best choice to catch a baby's, well, pee pee. Why? They are less expensive diapers that are supposed to work just as well as the higher priced brands. From what I have read online, the diapers work very well for many families. Unfortunately, Luvs did not perform well for either of my children. They leaked and were a coarse papery material. It was a frustrating lesson to learn because even value priced diapers are expensive. The money was spent and the children were leaking all over the place.

Do you know that I idiotically bought those diapers two more times because I wanted to save money? In my pee sized (pun intended) brain, I thought maybe I would have a different result. My choice made absolutely no sense because my kids were still going to get wet, I would still be frustrated, and on top of it I was wasting my money. My repeated choices translated into the same consequences each time.

At different points in our lives, we are faced with situations - big and small - that require our attention. Many of the opportunities crossing our paths sound appealing so we choose to go in the direction most attractive or safe for us. But oh my, what if we have a Luvs moment? We get our hopes up on something that sounds terrific. It has to work! It is inexpensive, it promises security and an ultimately positive result. So we move forward with our plan, only to discover either immediately or with time that the choice we made was the wrong one.

The sad thing is that in many cases the wrong choice we made is repeated in a separate set of circumstances. Guess what happens though? God makes sure we learn the exact same lesson: "don't do it again because you and those you love are going to experience some nasty leakage."

Why do we make wrong choices? Maybe it is due to some of the following things:

• Ignoring God's will revealed to us through His Word
• Ignoring the direction and confirmed peace of The Holy Spirit
• Harboring hate or refusing to forgive
• Lacking knowledge or wisdom
• Being negatively influenced or tricked by others
• The love of self
• The love of money

God wants to be glorified through us at the maximum level and has planned to equip us accordingly. Thankfully, our strength to accomplish His will and to make the right choices is made perfect in our very own weaknesses. If we have not yet learned a lesson, He will continually place opportunities in front of us until we do.